WomenSpeak: Managing Guilt
Sushmita Sundaram
This month at Interweave we’re talking about how to manage guilt in the workplace. We’ve learned from our numerous interactions with professional women through our workshops, audits and research that this is a real issue that women seem to experience disproportionately. We spoke to a few women about why they feel they experience guilt, how organizations can help and whether men, too, experience guilt.
Managing guilt is especially tough for younger professionals. They are eager to give their job their best, but are also often experiencing work-family conflict for the first time.
Rohini D’Souza, Founder, Amyra Consultants, recalls, “The most guilt I felt was when I had to leave my 3 month old baby to go to work for the first time. My mind would keep going back to her even at work. The worst feeling of guilt used to be when you had to stay back beyond office hours for some important work. It was like being torn apart between your commitments and professionalism at work and your baby eagerly waiting for you to come back. I’ve always been the flexible kind but suddenly when I had a baby waiting for me at home, waiting even ten minutes past my regular time would make me terribly uneasy and guilty.”
Jyotika Singh, Founder-Facilitator, reLauncHER, agrees: “A little baby and guilt enter simultaneously in life of a professional woman. I decided not to burden myself with that continuous guilt and stress of not being there with my children and chose to be a late career bloomer.”
Guilt doesn’t just occur when you have family or childcare commitments. Aarti Shyamsunder, Research Director at Catalyst (India), points out, “When I first started working full-time, I was also trying to finish my PhD dissertation living 3000 miles away from my advisor and committee…that was a huge challenge for me. I felt guilty about coming home from work tired and wanting to watch TV and relax, and when I did motivate myself to work on the research, I felt sad about missing out on a concert or a dinner with friends, and when I did go out with my friends, I felt guilty about not planning my career strategically or not spending time on my personal interests! It just went on and on…I suspect that for many people, especially women, you can replace any of those things with what’s pertinent to their life (children, hobbies, eldercare, work, friends)”
According to Interweave Co-Founder & CEO, Nirmala Menon “[Guilt] comes from not being able to do the things you feel you’re supposed to do.”
Interweave Co-Founder, Kalpana Tatavarti, also comments on this conflict between desire and duty: “Guilt happens when I WANT to do something but feel like I SHOULD be doing something else.”
What strategies did these women employ to tackle this guilt?
New mothers often choose to pull back from work, at least in the initial years. Jyotika recalls, “I quit working when my first child was born. It was a tough decision- but then it’s all about priorities. I resumed working after 3 years once my child started school and day care. Later I quit again when my second child was born to be with him.
Nirmala recalls how she leaned on her family support, “The best thing might be for you to do [what you feel like must be done]. But the next best thing is to have someone else do it! If there was guilt, I hired help or sought help from friends and families, even on a long term basis as required. My parents moved in with me to help me out at first. And when they needed help, I got my sibling to move next door. My parents took care of my daughter and my sister keeps an eye on my parents when I’m not around. This makes me feel like I don’t have to be present on the scene all the time. I also negotiated with key stakeholders in my life to keep things running smoothly. My husband and I ensure that at least one of us is in town at any given time.”
Kalpana concurs and adds that focusing on the real issue and having a friend to lean on helps: “Guilt happens when I want to do something but I feel I should be doing something else. Whenever I felt the pangs — like when I had to travel leaving my sick child at home — I asked myself what my real concern is and made sure I found solutions for that concern. And kept reminding myself I had to live up to my expectations, not those of others/society. Talking to friends/sisters helped a lot too. You need a network of cheer leaders who will help you see things in perspective and make you feel good about your work. And of course, leveraging my spouse’s support was the biggest help!”
Rohini advocates mindfulness whether at work or with family. Guilt became easier to deal with when she, “Realize[d] and accept[ed] that I can’t be superwoman…that no matter how hard I try there would need to be a tradeoff somewhere…so I decided I would spend quality time with my kids when I’m with them, and when I’m at work, focus on what I’m doing there.”
Organizational support is key, also, as Aarti found, “What I did…was to talk to my manager at work about it – she was kind enough to allow me to work a 4-day week, including working from home when necessary. So I carved out at least 20% of my time to finish writing my dissertation, strategically balanced my social time off from work and ‘dissertating’, and found myself inching closer to the goal. Largely thanks to my supportive manager and team-members I finished the degree, got a promotion at work and managed to plan a long family holiday that year! ”
Some might question whether organizations should even bother helping their female employees with issues such as these. Aarti feels that “Organizations must prioritize their employees’ well-being. If that’s the driving force behind their policies and programs, they’ll be rewarded with hard-working, loyal and engaged employees.”
Understanding from your immediate supervisor is important and that can be achieved via training. Kalpana observes, “Enabling managers & leaders understand that guilt is the biggest thing that women employees struggle with and equipping them to coach/mentor women navigate it would be a big step.” Jyotika agrees, “Organizations can show empathy to women’s needs, providing them with flexibility but at the same time treating mothers as intellectual team members and leaders. One way to bring change in the organizations culture is to train managers and leaders of an organization to develop empathy towards the need of women employees. ”
Having policies that help women is also important, such as flexible work arrangements. Rohini points out that “Certain organizations have a day when you get your kids to the office. Most women love doing that and it also gets their kids to understand what their mothers do and probably appreciate that too.” She advises organizations to “provide for day care arrangements if possible or alternatively allow flexi timings.” Having these arrangements doesn’t just mean that an employee works from home on certain days. In the long term, they feel that their well-being is important to their employers. This results in an engaged and loyal workforce.
Jyotika points out that, “employers should understand non-linear career needs of women professionals and accept career gaps as normal part of their professional lives. Women should not be excluded due to career gaps but should have open options of re-training and joining back when they are ready. Employers need to come forward and break the stigmas associated with career breaks.”
Ultimately, as Nirmala says, “Women aren’t hanging in a hammock at work, they’re working!” Women employees are thus an important factor of any organization’s success, and must be valued.
Finally, where do men figure on this issue? Do they feel guilt too?
Jyotika feels that they do, but “not for same things and not at the same level as women do. Also their reaction to guilt is different than women. Due to the way we are brought up and the ways of society, women, especially mothers, are conditioned to feel more guilt about not being there for children and taking responsibility for the children way more than men. ”
Rohini agrees, “I think most men have been conditioned to be ‘the provider’ of the family and hence while they do miss spending as much time at home may not really end up feeling guilty about it. Having said that, there could be some who still feel guilty – especially those who are working away from home (in another country or region) and don’t get to see their families, especially children, often.”
Nirmala observes, “Men feel guilt for different reasons. Men feel guilt for not being able to provide a better quality of life. Their fundamental focus is on being economic providers. Women are socialized into thinking that it is their responsibility to keep everyone happy. Women have to be told that they aren’t responsible for everyone’s happiness. Beyond a certain point it’s the individual’s responsibility to take charge of their own happiness. Men know this from the beginning.”
Aarti points out that guilt affects both genders in different ways: “We don’t often think of the negative impact of gender role stereotypes on men, but it’s there…while these stereotypes peg women into the ‘mother’ or ‘homemaker’ role, they simultaneously slot men into the ‘primary earner’ role. And this puts tremendous pressure on men to work towards an unrealistic ideal of machismo, working long hours to get ahead in their career and sacrificing time with their family or their own interests and dreams in the process… There is a real movement now for us to start rethinking gender role stereotypes that stifle women and men and cause their families and careers to suffer. Whether it’s the UN’s He For She Campaign, Catalyst’s MARC, or our very own Satyameva Jayate which asks us to redefine ‘mardaangi’ (manhood), I believe that the time is right for us to start asking both women and men these questions!”
Interweave agrees!
Thank you to all the wonderful women who took the time to share their thoughts and experiences.
