Can Men Be Silent Spectators In The Equality March?

Given the nature of our work at Interweave and my personal interests, there is always plenty of healthy discussion in my circle of clients, friends, and colleagues around gender equality. It is generally perceived as a “woman’s issue,” many battles to be fought and a war to be won. The miss here is that if men are sitting back as spectators, joking about women’s “need” for equality, the reality is that they are just as impacted!

During a recent conversation with a large MNC client, they mentioned that they had lost a great resource because of marriage plans.

‘Oh, her husband is posted elsewhere?’

‘No! Not a lady but a male analyst!’

The gentleman was in line for a promotion, but he felt compelled to find another job that would ensure he is earning more than his fiancée! The leader tried advising him of the virtues of a growing career vs. a job and how over the next few months to a year, he would even catch up monetarily. He would have none of it! He was adamant on bridging the gap in the five weeks he had till the wedding! He quit, to join a smaller and lesser-known firm which this leader felt was not even a good fit for him. The pressures of ‘gender equality’ got to him in another way.

Similarly, a chat with my neighbour’s young, college-going daughter, pursuing an MBA, veered to dating and marriage. She confessed she was dating someone, but it wasn’t really going to go anywhere because she wanted to marry someone from a “better” Business School!

And these are examples from the 21st century!

How and why do these gendered hierarchies and social structures continue despite the good intentions of an equal world that we are all committed to?

It’s completely and totally unconscious sexism that leads to issues like this – reinforcing current stereotypes and impacting women and men in negative ways. The first gentleman felt he had to make a move restricting and impairing his ability to lead a career of his choice. In the second instance, the young girl allows herself to play second fiddle just to keep up the expected gender equation. Her boyfriend is about to lose the relationship to someone else because he looks better on paper!

With both unwittingly signing up for an unequal relationship from the start, it spawns many double standards which restrict women’s freedom and impair our men’s ability to lead secure, rewarding, and fulfilling lives. I even hear women casually remark that closing the pay gap can actually cause dating and marital challenges.

That money defines the status of a man is so firmly embedded; we do not permit our men to live the lives they choose but want what we script for them. The burden of double standards exist across the board – men must be taller, earn more, and be more in control in social situations. The other way around shames the man more than the woman. So the challenge is equally real for men.

The achievement of gender equality implies a conscious redefinition of roles for men and women. While women have taken substantial strides in empowering themselves, “being a man” has still stuck to its stereotype. Time now for men and women to join forces to create a new world order where we will break the shackles of gender.

Nirmala Menon